The 100% Official NBA Finals Foodstuffs Tier List
Tiering the NBA Finals' best foodstuffs, all without tasting a single one or going to any of the games
After reading the above headline, you may be asking yourself, “Why aren’t we talking about Game 4?” The answer to that, hypothetical reader, is that this was written prior to Game 4 due to my own penchant for requiring a decent amount of sleep that watching all of Game 4 and writing an article would not provide. Instead, you get this.
I’ve been reading up on some of the foods being provided during the NBA Finals this year, which is both extremely random and extremely interesting. There’s some foods that I wouldn’t touch with a 10-foot pole (or 3.04 meters for you non-American folk), while others look downright delicious. All 100% objective and official tiers will be determined based on three primary factors:
Likelihood to cause some sort of health condition (lower is better)
Likelihood to taste delicious (higher is better)
How it’s priced compared to what you get
We’ll call the first category LTD (Likelihood To Die), while the second category will be named PDR (Potential Deliciousness Rating). The third will be called RCR (Reasonable Cost Rating) — super objective stuff here.
P.S., RCR is always bad for the NBA Finals because of corporate greed, so I’ve normalized the scores — I would not say a $40 burrito (no matter how massive) is “good value” in the real world.
Also, unfortunately, public-facing prices are only available for the Mavs’ side of the table, so to speak. Boston is being excruciatingly secretive about their prices so they can slap you in the face with a $60 corndog — or at least, that’s what I assume. However, we do have one single public-facing Celtics foodstuff on the list…but more on that later.
Lastly, in the spirit of it being the NBA Finals, this article is free for all to enjoy regardless of subscription tier. Tomorrow we’ll go back to the weekend premium post, but I want everyone to bask in the glory that is the food of the NBA Finals…
Without further ado, the first (annual?) NBA Finals Foodstuffs Tier List!
Tier 1: Top Chef Material
Texas-Size Beef Rib Burrito ($40)
LTD: 4/10
PDR: 10/10
RCR: 7/10
As a Texas boy, I would flock to this one right here. It’s simple, but effective. A whole, top-notch beef rib, Spanish-style rice, the ever-present pico de gallo, and a massive tortilla — and double-wrapped to boot! This was a limited item from Game 3 and likely sold out pretty quickly due to both being an easy choice and much less likely to kill you from a heart attack. While $40 is a lot to shell out for a burrito, you can get a lot less for more at the NBA Finals (see: Zavala’s 44 Farms Beef Rib later on).
Ultimate Dessert Nacho ($23)
LTD: 7/10
PDR: 10/10
RCR: 7/10
This is Texas. Fried sopapillas are the star here, which, for my non-Tex-Mex friends, are basically just fried pieces of dough that are about the size of a piece of pita bread, and they’re delicious. They have little pockets of air where you could technically stuff whatever the heck you want in it, but they’re a Mexican joint staple here in The Lone Star State. Also included is vanilla ice cream, whipped cream, a chocolate drizzle, and strawberries, all for the not-horrific NBA Finals price of 23 bucks. While it might make you sick from all the sugar and whatnot, it looks worth it for the experience alone.
Tier 2: Pretty Darn Good
Candied Pork Belly Burnt Ends ($14)
LTD: 5/10
PDR: 9/10
RCR: 4/10
I almost put this up in the Top Chef Material tier, but then the limited amount of burnt ends stopped me. Regardless of how many you get, however, burnt ends are delicious. Pork is pretty fatty so you do have to worry about the LTD rating here, but combining these little burnt ends with a chipotle cherry bourbon barbecue sauce feels like a match made in heaven. Give an extra 3 to 5 ends, and you’ve got Top Chef Material. Without those, however, it’s in the Pretty Darn Good tier.
Surf N Turf Grilled Cheese Tower ($50)
LTD: 6/10
PDR: 10/10
RCR: 4/10
Now, I hear you convulsing at the fact that you can buy what is essentially a $50 sandwich — but hear me out here. The above meal includes a one-part grilled rib-eye steak sandwich with Gruyere and American cheese, plus Fresno peppers. The other half is multiple layers of poached lobster and more cheese — and waffle fries on the side! So really you’re paying for two separate sandwiches here at $25 a piece, which is much more reasonable considering one has lobster. It might be difficult to hold in one hand, but it looks like a real winner. It’d be in the Top Chef Material section if it were $5 cheaper.
Bacon-Wrapped Baked Potato With Brisket ($18)
LTD: 7/10
PDR: 9/10
RCR: 7/10
As Finals concessions go, this is a heck of a deal. You get a pretty large baked potato wrapped in smoked bacon, then topped with brisket (it’s Texas, after all), and cheese, and green onions, aaaand sauce. For $18, that’s a steal! What brings it down here is the cheese, butter, and bacon are highly likely to clog at least one of your arteries — but hey, bacon-wrapped baked potato with brisket!
DBQ Stacker ($23)
LTD: 8/10
PDR: 8/10
RCR: 5/10
This one is solid! A bacon-wrapped jalapeño, chopped brisket, mac and cheese, smoked red hot links, and a fried onion ring. Top it off with the jalapeño cheese bun, and you’ve got a pretty tasty, if not health-threatening, sandwich! The only thing knocking it down in the taste department is the variance of which people tolerate spice — this thing looks (and likely tastes) pretty darn hot. Regardless, for $23, it ain’t bad.
Tier 3: Financial Flexes
Lobster Corn Dog With Truffle Potato Chips ($40)
LTD: 7/10
PDR: 7/10
RCR: 3/10
Nobody should be paying $40 for a corn dog, full stop. While I’m sure deep-fried lobster surrounded by the umami value of truffle-laced potato chips tastes pretty good, that price is a punch to the gut. Plus, truffle on chips is overrated for the price (fight me), while corn dogs simply aren’t all they’re coughed up to be. Hard pass, unless you want to show your friends you have no sense of financial aptitude.
44 Farms Beef Fajitas Topped With Caviar ($25 per taco)
LTD: 3/10
PDR: 6/10
RCR: 2/10
Paying $25 for a single taco is absurd, and caviar just ain’t that good. I feel like caviar serves no purpose other than to show other people that you like throwing away money for dumb fish eggs. Also, the beef is significantly buried here with other random flavors and whatnot. Though much healthier than the above corn dog, this is also a hard pass.
Zavala’s 44 Farms Beef Rib ($45)
LTD: 5/10
PDR: 10/10
RCR: 3/10
When you can pay $40 for a massive beef rib burrito at the same event, the more expensive and non-burritofied beef rib becomes irrelevant. ‘Nuff said.
Tier 4: I Thoroughly Enjoy Throwing Away Money For No Reason Other Than Looking Like I Have Too Much Money
(Celtics Exclusive!) Lucky’s 24 Carat Lobster Roll ($150)
LTD: 7/10
PDR: ?/10
RCR: -10/10
Why would you buy a $150 sandwich?! This roll supposedly is an “artisan baguette with garlic butter and topped with melted brie, parmesan cheese, and edible gold leaf garnishes.” Why are we accepting “edible” gold leaf garnishes as a totally normal thing to put on a sandwich? Why are we allowing this inconspicuously stupid topping to up the price of a lobster roll by over $100? Who is buying this? If anyone reading this article has bought this for themselves, remember that you could have bought the following items with that money:
30 copies of the Shrek DVD
238 individual bananas
11.52 soy candles
1.25 Derrick White swingman jerseys
3 years of a paid subscription to this very newsletter (why hello there…)
Regardless, this is one of the worst food investments you could make. Please do not buy this.
Dude. This was hella cool.
Do these kinds of article again!
(Do you know anyone who paid $150 for the sandwich?)
Read this before breakfast, have been thinking about sopapillas all morning.